Little nuggets of joy to share with everyone.

I was at Vons getting my grocery on, minding my own business when this soccer mom turns to me and smiles.  I smile back at her very kind gesture while at the same time contemplating if the bitch is crazy.  Now she was no ordinary soccer mom.  This girl had short crazy club girl hair that she must have styled with Spiker because damn if she didn’t look like she stuck her finger in not one, but two electrical sockets.  And damn if her product ain’t the shit because home girl was dressed like she came right out the gym, fresh from her soccer mom workout with all the other stepford wives, hair prismatic and all in one place as if she had just done it before she got out the car.  Anyway she starts humming a song and starts bugging the shit out of me because I recognize the tune but I can’t seem to place a name on it.  I set it aside so I can pull my cash out and pay Uncle Sam for the vegetables and naked juice that I absolutely need to maintain life.  Soccer mom checks out the same time I do and I can hear her softly humming next to me as we walk side by side like penguins because neither of us is strong enough to carry the bags we have acquired out the store and into the car.  I pull ahead of soccer mom who then goes into competition mode and walks swiftly past me (this sudden burst of energy I deduced was surely due in part to aforementioned soccer mom workout) manages a nervous “excuse me,” which in competitive spirit I know to be a polite code for “fuck off dip shit I just totally smoked your ass” and out the door she goes.  Now the point I am trying to make is that she is still humming that mysterious song as all this is going on.  Now as we both get to the door right before I get smoked and she is gone from view like a man who just realized after a night of drinking and debauchery that he has just bedded his sister, I finally figure out what song she has been singing.  Not because I am a super sleuth but because she finally decided to sing along out loud to the tune in her little soccer mom head and the words that came out of her mouth verbatim were (and I kid you not):

“TO THE SWEAT DROP DOWN MY BALLS”

Yessir.  Lil John and the East Side Bros.  Get Low.  To all skeet skeet Mother fucker and bend over to the front touch your toes, soccer mom knows how to get down.  So I chuckled and immediately called my cousin to start all kinds of shit talking in all languages I knew how.  I chuckled all the way to my car, all the way to the Asian store (because you know damn well that being Asian in Mira Mesa necessitates that if you shop at the American store some cosmic force brings you right to the Asian store to buy all the shit white people are afraid to eat) and all the way home, almost completely sure that nothing could top that little frivolous, asinine, and juvenile moment I had with myself and soccer mom.  I was wrong.

Now on the way home I spotted a jogger in nasty ass 80s jogging shorts.  The kind that provides no bounce protection, so dang-a-lang all-over-the place-mang is what attacked me as I was driving and still in my soccer mom moment.    Anyway, this jogger decided that he was going to box while he ran to add extra juice to the burn.  Never mind that it is 200 degrees outside and just walking to the mailbox is enough to melt 10 lbs of fat off your ass.  Now this isn’t so strange.  When I lived with my parents there was this older gentleman that would jog while shadow boxing every morning past our house.  A Joxxer if you will.  I didn’t find anything strange about that.  The man just had a workout plan as many of us do.  The thing that was strange about the Joxxer that I saw today was that he decided he would do the jog/box thing one hand at a time. 

Please take the time to sit and imagine this for a moment.  See through my eye and understand why I had to hit redial on my phone and curse my little celly for being old school and not having a camera attachment.  Of all the times to take video and shit on me for not being able to commemorate forever what was unfolding before my eyes forever in my cell phone.  Please get up and jog in place while punching the air in front of you with only one of your hands.  Now grunt as you are doing this.  The man looked like he was trying to compete in the special Olympics not realizing that even the special people were like “what the fuck are you doing?”  I kid you not, traffic slowed around this man as everyone spent time trying to pull out their cell phones to take pictures. 

Finally, I had incredible stroke of luck today.  I played a scratcher and won a free ticket.  I figured that was the end of my luck, but imagine my surprise when I won $2.00 off of the ticket I had won.  I am thoroughly convinced that a $5.00 winning ticket is on the way.  I will keep you posted on this as the day goes by.  It is now time to workout my triceps.  See you in a couple hours