That subject title is not an invitation for you to think dirty about me but if you decide you'd like to I won't object to it completely. I spent today hanging out at the beach and getting in touch with Ariel and her mermaid friends. I’ve honestly come to realize that sea life scares the shit out of me and the only sea animals that I am comfortable with are the ones I see on my plate. Sashimi, lobster bisque, shrimp tacos. Yessir. Fish are nice to look at in fish tanks but in the ocean they are the size of dogs and they have teeth that can tear skin. That’s not really my idea of fun, although all this rubbish could be subject to change. That’s what I said about kayaking and lo and behold I actually had a good time. Who knew that paddling could be so much fun.
Anyway, so as mentioned today I went kayaking for the first time. I was a bit skeptical but I have to admit that I had a lovely time and that after I purchase my surf board, my next water toy will be a kayak. Call me crazy like Anne Heche during her “breakdown,” I know that it is that insane. During our little excursion I made very sure not to rock the boat unnecessarily and not to lean over and look at scary sea life and thus cause my kayak to tip over knocking my not-able-to-tread-water-ass into the ocean. I called Mica Pocahontas of all oceans and seas, which made her paddle furiously over to my kayak and nudge it with the mighty force of all the lesbians on earth. I learned not to ever mention Pocahontas ever, ever again for the rest of the day. There was this crazy talk about wanting to go look at sharks or something silly like that which I tried in earnest to stomach and smile brightly about but to no avail. Thank goodness the girls were to tired to actually go and look for them.
So there are these crazy ass people that like to swim out in the ocean for fun. We kept running into them, mind you, at least 300 yards from the shore. Please explain because I do not understand how that is even remotely fun. If you get tired you will drown and be eaten by tiny little fishies that look cute until a school of them are trying to eat your eyeball. Again, please explain. I searched many times for some kind of boat, island, or mermaid rock that these people were swimming toward but I could not find any trace of a rest stop or final destination. Yes. These people were swimming aimlessly for apparently no reason other than to just be at one with fish that may or may not be carnivorous. I don’t understand. If you want to swim laps please be normal and go to the local pool or gym. If you get tired you can stand up on ground you can touch without fear that some shark will bite off your right leg. You can even check for a lifeguard and be assured that should you get a cramp he will be there to pull your ass out of the water. Treading water for large amounts of time is tiring and swimming aimlessly in the ocean is asinine. If you are aware of any people whose hobbies include swimming dangerously in the middle of the ocean please give me a call. I will make them watch discovery channel documentaries on dangerous sea creatures that will change their minds completely about swimming laps with Ariel and King Triton.
Other reasons Kayaks are fun:
The word kayak is a palindrome.
You can get them in hideous colors like hot pink and lime green and sing songs from the eighties.
You and a group of friends can link them all together and form a wall of kayaks.
You can surf them in on the way back to shore.
I also had the chance to go surfing this afternoon. In fact my body is sore from taking so much abuse from the waves and from falling off my board. I love surfing although I haven’t taken it up for very long. I eat it at least every other wave I catch. It is however, worth all the abuse just to be able to catch a wave and ride it (hopefully) to shore. When I surf I forget about all the scary sea animals of the ocean, stingrays, jellyfish, and sharks included. Today was especially nice because I finally found my sweet spot on my board. Catching a wave is like being on drugs, you get this high that keeps you coming back for more. I was out in freezing water for a over 2 hours. It was the best time of my life. What’s also great about surfing is all the hot ass surfers that are out there with you. I’ve never seen so many six packs in my life. The only problem is you look dumb trying to catch a wave and scope guys out at the same time. I need to control myself or at least make a concerted effort to get some soon.
So anyway, I celebrated my birthday this past weekend. I am now a grown ass man of 24 barely the height of a pubescent teen at 5’ 2”. We threw an 80s party that necessitated dressing up and included a fashion show with a prize for the best outfit. Fabulous. It was the best birthday to date. My roommates got me a sewing machine for my birthday. I licked the box and nearly lost my mind. Being 24 has been fun albeit that I’ve only been 24 for 2 days now. I think I’m pretty much over feeling old and hating it. Another thing I’m also over is being single. I’ve been single now for 2 years but don’t get it twisted. I have tried my hand at dating with disastrous results. Please do not get at me with a 3rd grade reading level or an is-it-ok-if-I-have-sex-with-you-AND-some