I’m chillin in my room.  I was just thinking about how much I miss the way things used to be when I was 20ish 21ish.  I wasn’t quite the party animal I later became at 21ish/22ish.  (Ha ha that ish shit makes me giggle).  I miss getting calls at 1 am to grab something to eat at Denny’s.  I miss spending an entire night playing cards.  I miss shit talking at 4am over some ice cream.  I miss the stillness and quiet that used to be my life.  It isn’t like everyday now is filled with extreme noise and fun filled activity but there’s something that’s missing now.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my life, I love my family and I love my friends.  I guess life just changed a little for all of us.  We’re scattered about in different parts of our lives, the road opening up and leading everyone on different paths.  My last entry really hit home for me.  That email got me thinking about all the people that have come in and out of my life.  It got me to finally send a letter to my ex-boyfriend and it helped me out of the depressing funk I was in.  I still can’t help being nostalgic about the past however, which I recognize as a hallmark of being a cancer.  There’s something about the past that I can’t ever completely let go off.  I’m thankful for the experiences that have made me who I am today, I only wish I had appreciated them a little more while I was making them.  

People come into your life for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime. When you know which one it is for a person, you will know what to do for that person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered, and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being a part of my life.
Send this to every friend that you have online, including the person who sent it to you.

Dude, what a fucking difference two days can make.  So yes, to anyone who has been reading my blog, I am forever sorry.  Yes, I do sound like a whiny, pathetic, depressed little boy that can’t seem to resign as chair of the unrequited love foundation.  And yes, I do understand that putting your shit on blast in a place where anyone can access your deepest insecurities is completely insane.  However, in my defense, (and it is only a small point I do try to make), people have their own unique ways of letting off steam.  I’d been holding a lot of emotional anguish inside my tiny little heart and it needed to get out some how, so of course I pick the most dramatic of all ways to let it all go.  Anyway, all that is moot because I’m over most of it all now.  I took some time to focus my energies on what was really important in my life and I feel much better.  It just so happens that I reach this kind of clarity at a time when life is going to shit for the rest of my lovely friends and family.  Anyway, I swear I’m not always lame and whiny.  I actually do know how to have a nice time and I promise that between the time I wrote each chapter to my newest depressing soap opera on the WB network (aka the last load of entries), I wasn’t all depressed and I did fine time to have fun.

I’ve been on a “body for life” trip.  I figure that you only get one body for the rest of your life so it’s up to you to treat it well.  I’ve been trying to eat healthier, workout, meditate, eventually smoke less, and cut down on my drinking.  I bought a book about getting a swimsuit physique and have figured out my Basal Metabolic Rate.  This shit is insane.  Let me explain.  Your BMR is the number of calories you need to consume each day to maintain basic body functions.  So basically it’s calorie counting, which I fucking hate to do.  I used to have a little book where I wrote down all the calories I had each day and that shit was fucking depressing if not hilariously out of control.  I never eat the way that I should.  It’s always too little or too much.  It is however, way easier than the Atkins diet.  If you’ve ever been on that diet I share in your pain and distress in finding out the salad you had contained X number of sugars which totally fucked up your progress.  I also sympathize with the pain of hunger that seems to accompany you no matter how many cows, chickens and other protein packed creatures you may have consumed in the past hour.  For real dude, the Atkins diet should come with a disclaimer that says: Warning!!  You will be hungry for the rest of your life if you stay on this diet.  Atkins, man.  Just say no.  Where the D.A.R.E Program at?  Dieting Atkins Rejection Education.  I will be the mascot, call me.

 Anyway, back to my BMR.  I found out that I have to consume 2141.7 calories to maintain a healthy body.  To break it down even further, at least 214.1 of those calories must come from carbohydrates, 214.7 must come from protein, and 47.59 must come from fat.  Yes ya’ll grease.  Where the other 1000 or so calories I have left need to come from I do not know but I still have to manage to fit in 8 glasses of water and some fiber.  This shit is not going to be easy.  Trust.  I’ve been working out 6 days a week, trying to fit in 3 days of cardio (although 2 of those days are spent working up a sweat at the club. G G G G G G-unit!) and trying to find time to replenish my energy through meditation and sleep.  I know, it all sounds insane but the idea is “body for life.”  Like anything, you have to work hard to get where you want to be and I want to be in some board shorts and flip-flops at the beach with no shirt on.  My mantra is Abs that are just begging for some bodily fluid to be spilt onto them.  Sorry for the visual.

I had a much longer entry planned out but I have to go to the mall and by my mama a gift for Mother’s day.  Peace and 47.59 grams of grease.

Ian

“There have been times in history when poetry has donned the mask of irony to hide her tears; perhaps the friendly hand of a genius will one day remove it.  ”

Burn

Take me there again

I’ll close my eyes

And let you lie to me

As long as you are here

I can pretend that this is reality

In the dark we can hide

What’s been weighing heavily on our minds

In the dark I can be

Anyone you draw me up to be

Water and fire

Seeped into our veins

And what started as child’s play

Worked its way into responsibility,

better judgment, and sacrifice.

I burn at the touch of your lips

I burn at the whim of your smile

I burn with all that is left undone and unsaid

I long to burn until there is nothing left.

Numb

My mind is else where today, I’ve so much to get done and I can scarcely manage a smile without getting lost in thought.  I feel like I’m slowing coming undone and the idea of being revealed at the core terrifies me.  I am alone in my plight, save the gleam of the monitor and the humming of my keyboard as I come once again to purge myself of the demons that haunt me.  Will I ever feel at peace?  I’m beginning to think that such a theory is indeed false.  If anything, my solace seems to be derived from pulling myself apart and putting myself together again only then to take up that never-ending voyage for a place to belong to.  It appears that on top of having the unfortunate personality of hopeless romantic, I am also a die-hard existentialist.  Most tragic of combinations.  Foolish idealistic dream lover incessantly questioning his place and reason for existing in the known universe.  Wannabe beat writer, my life could never be so exciting or passionate.

I choose you

I care for you

I care for the thoughts you deem crazy

I care for the way your eyes shine when you smile

I care for the conversation

I only seem to be able to have with you

I care for you

And I can’t deny it

Because that would be holding back

And that could not be me

Because that would be a lie

And that could not be me

So I choose you

Knowing full well that you may not choose me

I choose you

Because you are worth the fear of change

I choose you

Because you are worth the risk of losing

I choose you

So I will.  Time to hit the shower and spend some time with the homies.   (Rollin with the homies.  Sing it like Ty in Clueless now and don’t forget the hand motion).