Geez, I never write in here.  I would first like to thank God for laughing gas, general anesthesia that is intravenously fed and Percocet. In that order please.  I had all four wisdom teeth pulled out yesterday and the pain I feel is very minimal.  Of course, the only problem is that I’m not feeling much at all.  However, I do say that is a small price to pay for making sure that one does not feel like someone took a hammer to both sides of his head.  Healing seems to be getting off on the right foot.  My face is tender and my face is slightly puffy.  I kind of like the fact that my cheeks are a little fatter, which obviously means I am doped up because I hate anything on me getting fatter.  Ass included thank you.  Talking isn’t the easiest thing to do because I can’t open my mouth all the way, (hence-this useless entry into my journal).  Although, the liquid diet forced upon me because of my condition is fabulous.  I can’t wait to fucking heal so I can eat the biggest slab of meat money can buy.

So updates.  I got a job.  Yessir, my life as a Paris Hilton wannabe is over.  No more waking up at 5PM.  No more 5 night party binges.  No more homemade videos.  (Pretend you didn’t read that).  The working world has labeled me a marketing coordinator by way of a construction management firm in Downtown San Diego.  I honestly got very lucky.  It’s a great position to be in at the moment because of the place the company is in right now.  They’ve recently been experiencing a large amount of growth and I’ve been hired to be part of a 3-person team to help build a communication department.  That’s pretty fucking great for kid just out of college. So why is it that the thing I’m most excited about is the fact that they cater lunch for all employees everyday.  Yessir.  Any way you want it, that’s the way you need it, any way you want it.  Just like Journey.  Anything you want, any place you want, all for free honey.  Yes girl, I said free 99.  A position with great growth potential and I’m doing cartwheels for the free food.  Oh my belly, my dearest love and greatest enemy.  Like Regina George, I wanna loose three pounds.  A dream that is both foolish and fleeting.  Is butter a carb?

I love Oprah Winfrey

I’ve said it many times before and I’ll say it again, Oprah is going to Heaven.  If you don’t already know, Oprah is just the most precious and giving woman on earth.   Oprah makes being 50 fabulous, she buys her own bling, she doesn’t need to be married to find happiness, white women want to be her and she is best friends with God.  And the girl is not cheap about what she gives away to her audience.  I nearly went into an emotional aneurism watching her favorite things show.  Never you mind what I would do with a woman’s Burberry coat and matching cashmere scarf.  The only thing that matters is that it’s free, costs way more money than I make in one workday and that it’ll sell fabulously on Ebay.  I’ll even wear a pink one out if you just promise to give me that flat screen TV.  Oprah loves teachers and teachers love Oprah, more so if she’s giving you a trip to a spa in Colorado that she, herself visits 3 times a year.  I cried like a little girl on her wildest dreams show when she bought and furnished a home for a woman with 9 children (3 hers biologically, 2 sets of 3 she took in so that they would not have to be sent to foster care and split up).  The kids went on a shopping spree at Toys-r-us and I cried out of happiness all through their shopping experience.  Shut-up.  I love Oprah and her favorite things.  God bless Oprah.  

Little nuggets of joy to share with everyone.

I was at Vons getting my grocery on, minding my own business when this soccer mom turns to me and smiles.  I smile back at her very kind gesture while at the same time contemplating if the bitch is crazy.  Now she was no ordinary soccer mom.  This girl had short crazy club girl hair that she must have styled with Spiker because damn if she didn’t look like she stuck her finger in not one, but two electrical sockets.  And damn if her product ain’t the shit because home girl was dressed like she came right out the gym, fresh from her soccer mom workout with all the other stepford wives, hair prismatic and all in one place as if she had just done it before she got out the car.  Anyway she starts humming a song and starts bugging the shit out of me because I recognize the tune but I can’t seem to place a name on it.  I set it aside so I can pull my cash out and pay Uncle Sam for the vegetables and naked juice that I absolutely need to maintain life.  Soccer mom checks out the same time I do and I can hear her softly humming next to me as we walk side by side like penguins because neither of us is strong enough to carry the bags we have acquired out the store and into the car.  I pull ahead of soccer mom who then goes into competition mode and walks swiftly past me (this sudden burst of energy I deduced was surely due in part to aforementioned soccer mom workout) manages a nervous “excuse me,” which in competitive spirit I know to be a polite code for “fuck off dip shit I just totally smoked your ass” and out the door she goes.  Now the point I am trying to make is that she is still humming that mysterious song as all this is going on.  Now as we both get to the door right before I get smoked and she is gone from view like a man who just realized after a night of drinking and debauchery that he has just bedded his sister, I finally figure out what song she has been singing.  Not because I am a super sleuth but because she finally decided to sing along out loud to the tune in her little soccer mom head and the words that came out of her mouth verbatim were (and I kid you not):

“TO THE SWEAT DROP DOWN MY BALLS”

Yessir.  Lil John and the East Side Bros.  Get Low.  To all skeet skeet Mother fucker and bend over to the front touch your toes, soccer mom knows how to get down.  So I chuckled and immediately called my cousin to start all kinds of shit talking in all languages I knew how.  I chuckled all the way to my car, all the way to the Asian store (because you know damn well that being Asian in Mira Mesa necessitates that if you shop at the American store some cosmic force brings you right to the Asian store to buy all the shit white people are afraid to eat) and all the way home, almost completely sure that nothing could top that little frivolous, asinine, and juvenile moment I had with myself and soccer mom.  I was wrong.

Now on the way home I spotted a jogger in nasty ass 80s jogging shorts.  The kind that provides no bounce protection, so dang-a-lang all-over-the place-mang is what attacked me as I was driving and still in my soccer mom moment.    Anyway, this jogger decided that he was going to box while he ran to add extra juice to the burn.  Never mind that it is 200 degrees outside and just walking to the mailbox is enough to melt 10 lbs of fat off your ass.  Now this isn’t so strange.  When I lived with my parents there was this older gentleman that would jog while shadow boxing every morning past our house.  A Joxxer if you will.  I didn’t find anything strange about that.  The man just had a workout plan as many of us do.  The thing that was strange about the Joxxer that I saw today was that he decided he would do the jog/box thing one hand at a time. 

Please take the time to sit and imagine this for a moment.  See through my eye and understand why I had to hit redial on my phone and curse my little celly for being old school and not having a camera attachment.  Of all the times to take video and shit on me for not being able to commemorate forever what was unfolding before my eyes forever in my cell phone.  Please get up and jog in place while punching the air in front of you with only one of your hands.  Now grunt as you are doing this.  The man looked like he was trying to compete in the special Olympics not realizing that even the special people were like “what the fuck are you doing?”  I kid you not, traffic slowed around this man as everyone spent time trying to pull out their cell phones to take pictures. 

Finally, I had incredible stroke of luck today.  I played a scratcher and won a free ticket.  I figured that was the end of my luck, but imagine my surprise when I won $2.00 off of the ticket I had won.  I am thoroughly convinced that a $5.00 winning ticket is on the way.  I will keep you posted on this as the day goes by.  It is now time to workout my triceps.  See you in a couple hours 

I need a job.  Now.  Sitting around and doing nothing for hours is absolutely mind numbing.  I feel like a puppy that’s been left at home for a week.  Starved for attention and ready to pee on itself when it sees another living breathing person.  On the agenda today?  Right after I finish this it’s a brisk 2 mile jog followed by an insane ab workout.  Then lunch (again) and then Rielyn is coming over so we can work out again.  The only fun thing I’ll be doing is the comedy store and quite possibly Flicks for cheap drinks and dicks.  Fun fun fun.  So much fun I think I’ll just pee on myself for the fuck of it.  Someone please come and rescue me from all this fun.  It’s just too insane to handle all by myself (sing it like Celine Dion).  Alrite kids.  Peace.

I’ve had the most emotionally exhausting day.  I just want to lay in bed and forget today ever happened. 

I love the cure for so many fucking reasons and here’s the best one:

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Friday I’m on love

The Cure

i don't care if monday's blue
tuesday's grey and wednesday too
thursday I don't care about you
it's friday i'm in love

monday you can fall apart
tuesday wednesday break my heart
thursday doesn't even start
it's friday i'm in love

saturday wait
and sunday always comes too late
but friday never hesitate...

i don't care if monday's black
tuesday wednesday heart attack
thursday never looking back
it's friday i'm in love

monday you can hold your head
tuesday wednesday stay in bed
or thursday watch the walls instead
it's friday i'm in love

saturday wait
and sunday always comes too late
but friday never hesitate...

dressed up to the eyes
it's a wonderful surprise
to see your shoes and your spirits rise
throwing out your frown
and just smiling at the sound
and as sleek as a shriek
spinning round and round
always take a big bite
it's such a gorgeous sight
to see you in the middle of the night
you can never get enough
enough of this stuff
it's friday
i'm in love

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I was in a mood but I feel much better now.  Thank you God for The Cure.  I still want to go surfing today.  I think I just might go.  Toodles and Poodles now stop your doodles.  It’s a wonderful day outside.  Love ya - Ian

I want to the kill the pigeons that live above my window and eat them.  I understand how ridiculous that sounds but these pigeons are fucking loud.  What makes them incredibly annoying is that they like to start their day circa 5AM every morning.  Every fucking morning.  Whenever they flap their wings it sounds like some ghostly apparition is making it’s way through my window, which as you can imagine, is hardly any fun at all.  I never thought that cooing could be so annoying but try sitting through it for an hour, at 5 AM for the umpteenth morning in a row.  I’ve resorted to clapping my hands really loud to shut them up for minutes at a time, if only to fall back to sleep miraculously in between quiet moments.  I guess I have it easy.  The pigeons like to steal bits of my roommates screen window for nesting material.  Her screen is half hanging on and every morning she lives in fear that the pigeons will scare the crap out of her by appearing suddenly at her window.  (Precious startles easily and has admitted that one of her greatest fears is seeing someone or something suddenly appear outside of her window.  I think she is actually lying because if you walk behind her without her knowing she gets just as scared).

Anyway, the rest of this entry was some long-winded diatribe on love and relationships but I think I’ll save that little treat for a day that isn’t as beautiful as today.  I want to go surfing.  Anyone want to join me?

That subject title is not an invitation for you to think dirty about me but if you decide you'd like to I won't object to it completely. I spent today hanging out at the beach and getting in touch with Ariel and her mermaid friends. I’ve honestly come to realize that sea life scares the shit out of me and the only sea animals that I am comfortable with are the ones I see on my plate. Sashimi, lobster bisque, shrimp tacos. Yessir. Fish are nice to look at in fish tanks but in the ocean they are the size of dogs and they have teeth that can tear skin. That’s not really my idea of fun, although all this rubbish could be subject to change. That’s what I said about kayaking and lo and behold I actually had a good time. Who knew that paddling could be so much fun.

Anyway, so as mentioned today I went kayaking for the first time. I was a bit skeptical but I have to admit that I had a lovely time and that after I purchase my surf board, my next water toy will be a kayak. Call me crazy like Anne Heche during her “breakdown,” I know that it is that insane. During our little excursion I made very sure not to rock the boat unnecessarily and not to lean over and look at scary sea life and thus cause my kayak to tip over knocking my not-able-to-tread-water-ass into the ocean. I called Mica Pocahontas of all oceans and seas, which made her paddle furiously over to my kayak and nudge it with the mighty force of all the lesbians on earth. I learned not to ever mention Pocahontas ever, ever again for the rest of the day. There was this crazy talk about wanting to go look at sharks or something silly like that which I tried in earnest to stomach and smile brightly about but to no avail. Thank goodness the girls were to tired to actually go and look for them.

So there are these crazy ass people that like to swim out in the ocean for fun. We kept running into them, mind you, at least 300 yards from the shore. Please explain because I do not understand how that is even remotely fun. If you get tired you will drown and be eaten by tiny little fishies that look cute until a school of them are trying to eat your eyeball. Again, please explain. I searched many times for some kind of boat, island, or mermaid rock that these people were swimming toward but I could not find any trace of a rest stop or final destination. Yes. These people were swimming aimlessly for apparently no reason other than to just be at one with fish that may or may not be carnivorous. I don’t understand. If you want to swim laps please be normal and go to the local pool or gym. If you get tired you can stand up on ground you can touch without fear that some shark will bite off your right leg. You can even check for a lifeguard and be assured that should you get a cramp he will be there to pull your ass out of the water. Treading water for large amounts of time is tiring and swimming aimlessly in the ocean is asinine. If you are aware of any people whose hobbies include swimming dangerously in the middle of the ocean please give me a call. I will make them watch discovery channel documentaries on dangerous sea creatures that will change their minds completely about swimming laps with Ariel and King Triton.

Other reasons Kayaks are fun:
The word kayak is a palindrome.
You can get them in hideous colors like hot pink and lime green and sing songs from the eighties.
You and a group of friends can link them all together and form a wall of kayaks.
You can surf them in on the way back to shore.

I also had the chance to go surfing this afternoon. In fact my body is sore from taking so much abuse from the waves and from falling off my board. I love surfing although I haven’t taken it up for very long. I eat it at least every other wave I catch. It is however, worth all the abuse just to be able to catch a wave and ride it (hopefully) to shore. When I surf I forget about all the scary sea animals of the ocean, stingrays, jellyfish, and sharks included. Today was especially nice because I finally found my sweet spot on my board. Catching a wave is like being on drugs, you get this high that keeps you coming back for more. I was out in freezing water for a over 2 hours. It was the best time of my life. What’s also great about surfing is all the hot ass surfers that are out there with you. I’ve never seen so many six packs in my life. The only problem is you look dumb trying to catch a wave and scope guys out at the same time. I need to control myself or at least make a concerted effort to get some soon.

So anyway, I celebrated my birthday this past weekend. I am now a grown ass man of 24 barely the height of a pubescent teen at 5’ 2”. We threw an 80s party that necessitated dressing up and included a fashion show with a prize for the best outfit. Fabulous. It was the best birthday to date. My roommates got me a sewing machine for my birthday. I licked the box and nearly lost my mind. Being 24 has been fun albeit that I’ve only been 24 for 2 days now. I think I’m pretty much over feeling old and hating it. Another thing I’m also over is being single. I’ve been single now for 2 years but don’t get it twisted. I have tried my hand at dating with disastrous results. Please do not get at me with a 3rd grade reading level or an is-it-ok-if-I-have-sex-with-you-AND-someone-else attitude. You will be denied. In fact I have been denying so much already that not only have I been single for 2 years I’ve also become a born again virgin for just as long. Where are all the quality guys at? Someone fill me in. If you know of anyone that likes short ass Filipino guys with a penchant for surfing but a fear of sea life please send them my way. This entry is getting way random. And it is honestly not that serious. I don’t need a man, I need food. Where the left over bbq at? Peace.

I just bought the Jem and the Holograms season 1 & 2 DVD collection.  Yes sir.  Outrageous.  Truly, truly, truly outrageous.  God I love Jem.  In fact I am replaying the first season now as I write all this senseless dribble.  In retrospect, Jem was seriously not for kids.  There was way too much drama going on, not to mention that ultra weird love triangle between Jem, Jerrica and Rio.  Wtf was all that about?  Jerrica is with Rio who is cheating with Jem who is really Jerrica.  Prequel to Melrose Place anyone?  And who the fuck names their kids Jerrica and Kimber?  Gawd I am so gay.

Speaking of being gay, I just came back from San Francisco pride.  I had a fabulous time and as a result I am still trying to catch up on sleep.  I slept until 12 today and then spent the rest of the day shopping for my outfit for my berfday this Friday.  Anyway, pride was damn fun.  Pecs, boobies and penises everywhere.  I had the chance to see some real live porn stars and had a lovely time ogling men that didn’t even know I was alive.  Fan-fucking-tastic I say.  The guys I stayed with were super cool and I’m glad to have them as new friends in my life.